Dark Melodies & Arcane Elixirs

The Heart's Doorway Opens at Midnight

"Well I have known all these things..."
So today is my one-year anniversary with B. Really something when I look back at all of the things that have transpired and happened.

We've planned a trip to Ojai and Santa Barbara today. I am still getting ready. We plan to do a nice scenic walk in Ojai, get something to eat, and then browse around, and then head to Santa Barbara for some cool stuff to do. Pretty much a day trip, which we both love. We both are into hiking, walking, trailing, travel, day trips, road trips, food, culture, sightseeing and exploring. Lots of things.

On another note, I am so addicted to the remix of this song...have been listening to it over and over:

We've been getting to know another couple, also interracial (same racial pairing but switch of genders) who are into similar things that we're into. They've invited us to go camping and hiking with them sometime and for board game nights at their place when B. and I both have the time to invest. I've never done that before. Hang out with other couples when i was in a relationship. Definitely sounds fun and I am looking forward to stuff like that.

Life after Mercury in Retrograde
So that was not a great time...the recent mercury in retrograde. So much happened...within. Lots of shifts and changes.

I think some others felt it, too.

I found out about an older acquaintance who passed away. She overdosed on alcohol and I found out about it on Facebook. I kept on wondering why there were so many younger pictures of her being tagged on my newsfeed. I took a quick look at first, thinking it was interesting to see her in her childhood years, and then I came across (eventually) another post that MADE me look further when the acronym, "R.I.P." was tacked onto the end of it. I figured it was about someone else, but soon realized it was regarding her. I literally have to look over the post 3 times to let it sink through. I was shocked. I couldn't believe she had died. I wasn't close to her, but when she was out here in California, I met up with her a few times. This was around 2003-2004...and I kept in contact with her intermittently until she winded up moving back to Chicago, where she was originally from.

I met her back then on a site for musicians. At the time I was looking to get together with people to start a music collaboration...actually a band. I've played all sorts of instruments throughout my life and I'm a pretty good singer...well based on what I've been told by many others. I am also pretty good at writing lyrics...and at the time I wanted to do something with those skills and interests.

So I placed a personal on there looking for people to jam with and do projects with. She was one of them who responded. Her background was in heavy metal. She was into a lot of the classics and old school stuff. And she worked at Century Media records at the time, which I was very familiar with as someone who grew up also listening to death metal and underground stuff. I thought it was cool that she worked there and we started to hang out.

So that's the gist of the beginning and end with how I got to know Myssi Sauder. She was definitely one of a kind and I feel sorry that she didn't hang on longer. She battled her demons for many years and winded up losing that battle. Too bright and spirited to have been gone so early...

That event affected my mood, for sure. I was already in a weird mood before that. And couldn't figure out why. I told B. about it as well and we both were having our own stresses. He is certainly having his. I am just trying to be understanding and to listen. That is all he wants most times is for someone to listen and not critique or offer their opinion. I've gotten good at offering that and have a knack for being able to evolve and grow as a person...mainly for myself. Self-growth benefits everything in one's path, regardless of the outcome.

I went crazy...and purchased a PS4, recently. I didn't think I'd get one this soon. I had been contemplating it because there just aren't ANY titles I care about at the moment..but I gave in nonetheless. I am sick to death of COD-type games and I HATE Madden games. Everything seems to be war/military/shooter-oriented. Unless it's a really innovative shooter like the first Bioshock, I usually just do not have interest in those types of games.

I like very imaginative RPGs, platformers, survival-horror, Sci-fi/action sort of games. The PS2 had so many cool titles. A lot of creativity came out for that console back in the day. With such a powerful engine such as the PS4 and even still the PS3, you'd think developers would take advantage of how amazing some games could be on such systems. I still wish Dragon Quest was continued on the PS3 after DQ8.

However, I am looking forward to the new Uncharted, The Evil Within, Kingdom Hearts III, and so on...that will be released later.

I've had Dark Souls for awhile but never finished it, but since Dark Souls II is out and I recently ordered it, I have started to play it in preparation for the sequel. However, I am going to have to start the game over today because I accidentally killed a merchant in the Undead Burg. Really stupid, but I have looked up just how important those merchants are. Each are one of a kind and offer specialty goods I don't want to go without access to. Basically, I fucked up. But it's early enough in the game to where I can start over without feeling like I invested too much time...

Random Thought: Euphoria-induced Psychosis
I've watched documentaries that always talk about a so-called Lottery's Curse and stuff like that, but there's no curse. It's a ridiculous label, actually. The curse implies that if you win the lottery, you will lose the winnings in some tragic way because you'll attract negativity.

When you flood someone with major fortune in a short period of time (athletes, actors, lottery winners, etc.), I firmly believe that in some people that will induce a state of manic psychosis. It's when the system and psyche is overwhelmed by a major paradigm shift and there's no room to adapt to such a massive change...and weak egos and minds are totally saturated with opportunities that they aren't mature enough to handle.

We always assume that when people are traumatized, the cause is from a negative occurrence.

Events that would be deemed as gratuitously positive or serendipitous events also are highly stressful and traumatizing to the system, too.

Take for example, Dave Chappelle. He rose to fame in such an epic way, in a short period of time. He had built some clout as a comedian on local circuits for years, but The Dave Chappelle Show put him on a different playing field.

The show was insanely popular and he was even offered a contract to renew the show, if I recall correctly, for 50 million dollars.

Suddenly, after a rant on stage during one of his show tapings, he disappeared from the public eye and no one could locate him. There were speculations of suicide, drug use, and so forth.

Eventually he reemerged into the public eye and explained that he just needed a break from reality. He explained that he wanted to go someplace where no one would recognize him.

"Coming here [South Africa], I don't have the distractions of fame. It quiets the ego down. I'm interested in the kind of person I've got to become. I want to be well rounded and the industry is a place of extremes. I want to be well balanced. I've got to check my intentions, man."

I was impressed by his sense of self-awareness. I think he was feeling on the verge of some kind of break and he knew it. So much fame and fortune and it was getting to him... I think he was losing himself.

Let's say you won the lottery...and you were getting 150 million dollars. In one day, you go from your usual reality to this brand new experience of being that much richer and advantageous. Suddenly all of these options are open to you. You never have to worry about money again. It literally changes your life potentially forever. You also attract all kinds of people into your life, but you have NO idea whether or not they are attracted to you for the legit reasons. That's an added stressor...

People are totally all around you, you are crazy popular, you are the center of attention all of the time...in addition to the given money.

I think a lot of people would assume they'd be cool about this and rational, but if you have any issues or weaknesses that relate to your ego, your self-perception, your self-esteem, anything like that, such a drastic change WILL abrasively test you and show you your core.

Most people aren't going to be able to handle that and I think it is very important to keep yourself well-grounded in such extreme circumstances. To keep close to usual and everyday things, and as Dave Chappelle mentioned, to CHECK YOURSELF.

We can also see this in athletes that become famous nearly overnight, actors/actresses, child stars who become dethroned as they get older, and various celebrity personalities/figures.

I think people who become famous through business ventures are probably more paced and grounded because they have to earn their money over time and deal with things from the ground up. There are rare cases where a business idea or venture can suddenly send someone into fame and fortune (Napster, Pet Rock, etc.), but those sorts of stories aren't usual.

The Life of a Budding Event Planner/Coordinator
Violet Green > Angel Skin
So looks like my path is deepening in this direction. Scary, but exciting. I've planned several events now over the last few years and continue to.

The V-Day gaming event is coming up rather soon. Just shy of 3 weeks.

  • I have the tickets printed and have sold several already, although most people signed up are paying at the door. So far there are around 96 people signed up. Each event has brought in between 85-140 people.

  • I have purchased the business shirts for my small crew. I hope they come out nicely. I got them from Custom Ink. They are supposed to be a great company. I can vouch for their customer service, though. They were very helpful and pleasant to talk to...that's refreshing since customer service often sucks when dealing with a variety of businesses.

  • I have designed and ordered business cards.

  • I have designed, professionally printed out, and passed out a bunch of promo flyers for the event at various places in and around LA.

  • I have placed an order for remainder rental tables and chairs. I have some in my stock, but need more to cover the slack since I'd rather purchase more tables when I can get deals on them like I did during Black Friday.

  • Since this event is not potluck style like the ones before...I now need to rent out buffet trays and warmers. The warehouse I use for the event has refrigeration.

  • I also need to finish work on the website for the event planning affairs. I have a good amount of work, both digital and actual to upload to a portfolio section of the site. I didn't design the website before, because I needed more work to show. Now I feel I have enough to start off a display. Credits, if you will.

  • And last but not least, decorations. That's the easiest part.

The biggest deals are the food prep and arrangement and the chairs and tables...in that order of importance...


On top of this I've been scouting out areas for apartment rent...I can choose to stay on the west side or move somewhere closer to the valley where rent is cheaper, overall. I'll see what makes sense as I resource my way around...

Strange life interlude that wants to pee but has to hold it...
Ginger Lips
Such a busy last few weeks...busy but also unproductive in other ways.

-Just got my hair restyled. The color is keeping up well. I got highlights with streaks of purple, teal, magenta, and blue. I purchased a good color retaining shampoo and conditioner set from Costco. I've been using that with a related serum to keep the color fresh as long as possible.

-Running and organizing so many events in my spare time for socializing, which includes a 1000-member group of geeks and nerds and board game enthusiasts, Mahjong nights, going to the LA County Fair soon, game nights in both the valley and on the westside, learning and buying new board games, writing, cooking/baking, developing a new board game with B., freelancing, going back to school for medicine and med school prep, paying bills, closing and opening new accounts, working on fitness, taking care of 3 dogs, finding time for myself, continually working on self-contentment, etc.

A lot of stuff going on. I feel I need to scale down on some things, because some things drop out of the bag unnoticed. Namely, to list one thing that comes to mind, my domains...don't want them to expire. Sometimes I forget about some of those renew dates.

Oh So Purple...
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I'd definitely have to say purple is one of my favorite colors. I've been wearing if often for the last year or so...and especially more recently. Including really rich and sexy purple lipsticks and eyeshadows...and thong panties. Yes, even down to those details ;)

I think certain colors have their intense moments with me...or rather I have my affairs with them. Some colors suit my mood or mindset more or less than others at various given times. How non-committal does that sound? But then, that's how I am with textures, colors, or anything else related to the senses. Nothing stays the same but the impressions are always long-lasting and I can always revisit them. I love exploring sensuality...delicious and stimulating, indeed.

Makes life rich, expressive, and imaginative...

As a synesthete, even the mood I have down for this post, quixotic, has purple tones.

A Forgotten Land
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Wow, the old LJ just happened to cross my mind, today.

I haven't been here in SO long. Not even sure if most of the people I had on my list are here any longer or even read their LJs anymore! lol
LJ is still a great platform. I feel it should continue to have a place in social interaction online and in personal introspection being compiled digitally.

So much has been happening in my life. MANY good things. I've transformed so much. I am not even sure that I have time to truly document a lot of things here. Well, I can't expect to sit down in one day and do all of that. It would have to be over weeks. A post here and there to share. Some certainly private and some public.

To be brief:

  • Incredible friendships and people

  • Lots of stimulating projects and work opportunities

  • Image transformation (accentuating who I've always been within increasingly)

  • Stimulating social life (I still try to manage time to be solo and recharge)

  • Shift in various perspectives, experiences, and views (this has been huge and unexpected in some contexts, but all good and very intriguing).

and more...

I hope to get around to writing here like I used to because I do miss this place and would like to rejuvenate my investment in it, but I'll have to see if I have time and can commit to that. I'd also like to invite a lot of people here that I know who haven't heard about LJ, but would seemingly like it. I should get a nice group going here with my friends.

Lately, I've been loving how my hair has lightened just a tab bit from intermittent sun exposure. I still have dark, sleek hair, but I can see more of the natural brownish-red tints in it when I am in natural sunlight. I now layer and style it and it has gotten longer as I continue to grow it out:

~ Beauty Blog ~
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People have been asking about it since I've been broadcasting a lot of my beauty buys, habits, and looks (photographs of myself showing some makeup looks and my fashion styles). Plus I get a lot of compliments from people about the way I dress and do my makeup (and my skin texture) when I go out which made me feel I should share some of my makeup skills (and beauty routines), especially as my makeup collection expands and as I get better and better with different styles and applications.

Here are some examples although they are mild examples:

Large photos inside: Read moreCollapse )

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This is my Pinterest account: My Pinterest Account Link

Feel free to add me. I've had it for a good while and I use it to spark creativity and ideas, and to just express myself, plus it's just downright addictive! I might do a proper and long overdue update, soon. It's certainly time for one.

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Gone Too Soon...
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Michael Jackson was brilliant, insanely talented and he left an indelible, inimitable, phenomenal, revolutionary and surreal mark on the face of entertainment and music...forever. No matter what you feel or interpret about the personal life he led, this is inarguable.

It's so easy to call him a freak, a nut bar, a lunatic, a black sellout, a child molester (without any conclusive and solid facts in cases that were actually shown to involve some families who lied and extorted) a crazed individual, but none of us led his extremely surreal and abnormal lifestyle since he was a wee child. Also put into motion that he was -obviously- a very ultra sensitive individual who never got treatment for any of the traumatizing things he faced growing up and that he continued to face ALL in the public spotlight. He essentially lived almost all of his life in the public eye. He was affected by things most people probably easily get over...take for granted and don't even/ever experience at all.

I'd like to see how many would be so stable and well put together in such a context of nature and circumstances.

He magically transformed on stage to ALL regardless of what one preferred musically...showing confidence and a powerful presence especially during the zenith of his career, but once he was offstage, he was said to be a completely different person. Shy, soft spoken, withdrawn, reclusive, insecure, obsessed, broken, damaged, removed, lonely and highly misunderstood and unknown to most on a very personal level. This has been said and seen by so many who were around him during his life to varying degrees. It is being said NOW. We could all see how troubled he was and increasingly became we grew up with him through media view. No doubt he became mentally ill creating a complete world or fantasy for himself.

It's also obvious that he was very isolated and alone emotionally. He mentioned this to Uri Geller, in interviews and to other friends who spoke of him during conversations on television. He really needed help. I think we can all agree with that. He -really- needed help...and that should have been offered to him much earlier on before it became a point of no return. I can't say how I would have been if I led his life. Even compared to other celebs, he really stood out in the immense fame he carried, regardless of the notorious edge it developed later around the 90s.

He suffered long and hard and although his talent was shared with the world as a result of his entry into entertainment so early on, it essentially cost him the possibility of having a long and healthy life emotionally and mentally. Was he destined to become famous regardless of what path he took or that was forced upon him, or could he have led another life and turned out much differently as a person? More stable, married and with family, living in normality but recognized at most by close friends and family for his talent?

I truly believe he became asexual. Don't think he was this way at first. I don't think he continue to hold a true attraction to anyone on a romantic level and the few dates and relationships he had were experiments and attempts to try to normalize his life but were inevitably doomed from the start. I mean he had the potential to bed a lot of women earlier on in his career if he wanted to but he didn't (at least of what we know) and we certainly never heard of any attractions to and pursuits of men.

I think he was intensively obsessed with children because the company of children is often untainted and non-judgmental. Children make you forget about all of your troubles, worries and the world at large. It seems he considered children his best allies and inspiration. He was fascinated and personally identified with Peter Pan. He wanted to be a child forever...and looking at his past...one can understand why. I think his emotional growth stopped somewhere earlier on in childhood. He NEVER led any semblance of a normal childhood that most of us lead or would classify as normal. I think he froze in time here and carried this with him into adulthood where it warped his perception of self and identity. Did he molest children as part of this development, feeling mentally that children were even suitable romantic interests along with platonic playmates? I honestly can't say I am -positively- sure but I just do not believe he went that route and this is not delusion on my part or not wanting to see him as a pedophile. I accept that people can become flawed and do harm...even those we admire from early on for talent...because they are human...

but there is no and never was any hard proof. Plus I believe more in what I said further above.

Being asexual, obsessed with children and wanting to forever be young and childlike oneself, having a fixation with being genderless and raceless...is not something the world will understand, tolerate or accept from a grown black man regardless of what physical abuse he put himself through with OBVIOUS issues of body dysmorphia. He made all of the wrong choices which didn't help to lessen the suspicions that people had about his affairs with children or of his nature overall. Again, we including myself, don't really know the -absolute- truth but these are -my- views.

I think the comforting thing now is that he is finally in and at peace. His body and soul were obviously very tired...

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